Parents live in dreaded fear of the big day they will have to talk to their kids about sex. I say, play your cards right, and you won't have to do it like that at all. There is this huge misconception that you must hold back every little bit of information until they are old enough to understand. That's just baloney. Kids can understand a lot, and the younger they are when you start answering their questions, the less likely it will be that they will get their "education" necking in the back seat of a car or sneaking around at a friend's house after school.
It all starts when they are very small. Actually at around two years old, and younger for those who are early talkers. The first thing you do, and do right, is to correctly name their body parts. You wouldn't make up a funny name for their arms or their necks, would you? Then why make up a stupid name for a penis or a vagina? Crude jokes aside, kids can name their giblets later on for fun. Parents wonder what to call their daughter's "parts" since there are more areas to address. The best name for the whole area is "vulva". A two-year-old can say this. It may sound like "bowba", but she'll get it right eventually. However, it may be tricky later on if you drive a Volvo. Kids have been known to get the two names confused!
In my opinion, parents who balk at honesty are the ones who are setting up their kids for a lifetime of ignorance, unanswered questions, and possibly, child molestation and sexually transmitted diseases, to say the least. People like cutesy little names and think that names like "penis" sound too clinical for a child to say. Well, tough. This is one way you can help to protect your kid from predators. An open dialogue about the human body can help stop the secrecy that surrounds the genital area. This can teach your child that no one ever has the right to touch him there, except for extreme circumstances--like a doctor visit after an injury, or for assistance with hygiene at bath time for uncircumcised boys, for example. Vague information about their bodies is simply not good enough.
The next step in their gradual "education" is not telling them that babies ARE IN THEIR MOMMIES' TUMMIES!!! Some more shrewd children will actually think that the baby's mother ate him. And others will think that the baby is swimming around in chewed-up food. Of course these are examples of four and five-year-old children who really should have been told differently. So telling them that the baby grows in the mommy's uterus is quite simple. It's another word they may mispronounce at age two ("yoo-rus"), but it teaches them that there is no shame in human reproduction. And that women have a place in their bodies where babies grow, should they decide to have a baby.
Usually the next topic that comes up when children notice pregnant women on the street or start getting really excited about their new baby brother's or sister's impending arrival, is how does the baby come out? They can also ask this after the baby is born when they see that mom's abdomen no longer looks like she swallowed a beach ball. Normally children ask this question around the age of 3. And there's a very simple answer. The baby comes out of the Mommy's vulva. You can go into the topic of c-sections if you like, but we're talking basic information here, right?
Now most parents are horrified when children ask this question. I don't know why. They will distract the kid or send him to his favorite aunt's house. Or they make him ask grandma. Anything to keep from telling him or her the truth. This is just stupid. By acting like there is something wrong with the question, they let him think that there is something wrong with the answer too. From this point on he thinks that anything to do with babies being born or made is shrouded in secrecy, and that it makes mom and dad nervous. Parents are also afraid that the kid will ask how the baby got in there. But most kids don't usually ask this for another 3 years or so.
So what to do in the meantime? Continue to answer any questions they have as honestly as you can to their level of understanding. Show them pictures if possible. Kids love looking at pictures of babies in utero. Especially ones where the baby is really tiny, but still looks like a baby. The embryo/elephant man pictures can be a little scary for a three-year-old, so use your best judgment. This also gives you a chance to show them a diagram of a uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries. Obviously, it's best to avoid pictures of the spread-eagle crotch shots in the biology books until they are older.
When the time comes that they do ask, "How did I get in your uterus Mommy?" you can even take that in stages. First you can tell them that Mommies make an egg (the diagram comes in handy here too) in their ovaries. Then tell them that Daddies make sperm. Here is where the creativity comes in handy. If you're talking to your daughter who's seen an undiapered baby boy, then you tell her about the glands that grow in that "other area" behind his penis. Be sure to name it. It's a scrotum, not a "nut sack". And tell her that when he gets much older, he will make sperm in those glands. And that sperm joins with the egg and grows into a baby.
If you are talking to your son, it's easier. You simply tell him that when he gets much older that he will make sperm in the glands in his scrotom. And that the sperm can join with an egg and grow into a baby. You can even show them a picture of sperm under a microscope. This will fascinate them so much that they won't usually ask exactly how "daddies give sperm to mommies and it joins with the egg and grows into a baby".
But low and behold, eventually they will ask more detailed questions, and this is where the discussion of the sex act comes in. Sticking to the basics works the best, since they will be trying to picture how it all fits together. And all the "don't do it till you're married" junk should wait until much later also, regardless of your particular belief system. They just need facts. Not judgments that will make them think that it's all forbidden or wrong.
After that, the best thing to do is to answer every question they have. The exception would be questions of a personal nature, such as, "Have you done that?" You simply tell them that what grown-ups do is their own business.
I know of parents who didn't tell their girls about menstruation until they were twelve, and the girls were scared to death of it. That's another issue to get out of the way when they are younger. And boys should know about it too. Believe it or not, until my husband was sixteen, he thought girls urinated from their butts. His mother never told him anything. I guess he learned about sex and reproduction from his friends.
By starting the process early and in stages, you can avoid the dreaded "talk" and avoid stigmatizing the whole subject of sex. This also shows your kids that asking questions is not a bad thing, and that they can come to you with any questions they have about their bodies. And then when they are older, they may even trust you enough to tell you even more, provided you haven't issued ultimatums about sexuality.
So by abolishing "the talk", you can open the doors for your kids to talk to you and take a ton of pressure off of yourself in the process.
